As a divorce attorney and family mediator for over 30 years, I have had the opportunity to view many divorce and custody cases from various perspectives: neutral mediator, court appointed mediator and settlement facilitator, best interest attorney representing the children and defender of husbands. and wives, fathers and mothers.

In late 1993, having seen the most common sources of permanent acrimony between parents, both during the breakup and afterward, I wrote a list of twelve commandments for divorced parents. The list was first published by Ann Landers in her nationally distributed column in January 1994.

This list has stood the test of time. Despite changes in technology and parenting styles, these Twelve Commandments for Divorced Parents remain strong rubrics to guide parents.

1. Never arrange visitation directly with children under the age of 12.

2. Never suggest visitation arrangements that you have not previously discussed with the other parent. Always confirm with the other parent any visitation arrangements made with children over the age of 12.

3. Send and return children who are clean, rested and fed. Do not send or return a bag or suitcase full of dirty clothes.

4. Don’t use an answering machine to screen the other parent’s calls or limit phone access between your children and the other parent, except after your children’s bedtime, not the time you would like them to be.

5. Do not discuss divorce disputes with your children or allow them to overhear you discuss your differences from them.

6. Don’t send messages or money with your children.

7. Do not speak ill of the other parent, or their family, friends or loved ones.

8. Do not ask your children for information about the other parent’s home, friends, income, or activities.

9. Don’t believe everything you hear from your children.

10. Don’t question the other parent regarding discipline, rewards, or anything else.

11. Lend an understanding ear to your children, but affirm and reaffirm as often as necessary that you are not an arbitrator or mediator between your children and the other parent.

12. Be courteous. Do not honk to get your children out. Walk to the other parent’s door, but do not enter unless invited by an adult. Have the kids ready to go. Always be on time. Smile.