When you are separated but desperately wanting to reconcile, you can look for any opportunity to have hope. If her husband calls, asks to see her, or shows any level of commitment or interest, it can be cause for celebration, until he isn’t. Because those little moments of victory can be fleeting. Maybe you start to guess. Maybe you mention your happiness to friends or family and they tell you that you are getting too excited. In short, it feels good to be hopeful, but you worry that you will feel terrible if your hopes are dashed.

And sadly, this usually comes up on special occasions when you want to feel happy and festive. Common situations where you see this happen are birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. A wife might explain, “My husband and I have been separated for almost five months. During that time, I haven’t had much reason to hope that things will get better. Although I would be more than willing to try to reconcile, my husband doesn’t seem to be willing.” to do this. He has rarely asked to see me, although we have been on the phone regularly. During our last conversation, he told me he wanted to take me out to a nice birthday dinner. My first inclination was that he was doing this simply out of obligation. I never hesitated to say yes though. I’d rather it wasn’t out of obligation, but I’ll take what I can get. I asked her where we were going and how I was supposed to dress. Her reply was that I should ‘look beautiful because why wouldn’t a man? should you take your wife out for a nice dinner to show your appreciation on her birthday?’ Maybe I’m reading too much into this but he almost describes it in romantic terms Now I find myself counting down the days and worrying about what I’m going to wear and what I’m going to say I confided in my best friend about this and although he seems to be happy For me, her response was ‘just be careful. I don’t want you to read too much about this and then be disappointed when your birthday is over and everything goes back to normal’. I get her point. I’m scared of that too. But I want to feel some excitement for a change. How do I not read too much into this? How do I moderate my emotion?

I know firsthand that it can be difficult to strike a balance here. You would love to believe that this dinner is the first of many and that this could be your first step on the road to reconciliation. At the same time, since her husband hasn’t given her much reason to hope so far, she doesn’t want to be unrealistic about it and hurt herself.

I understand. Our hearts can feel so fragile during our separation that it is human nature to want to protect them at all costs. At the same time, though, you don’t want to be so on your guard that you can’t enjoy dinner or give your husband the feeling that you don’t want to be there.

Likewise, you don’t want to give the impression that dinner means “absolutely everything” because then your husband might feel pressured, shut down, and worry about asking you out again in the near future.

From my own experience, I came to believe that the best way to approach this was to remind yourself to live in the moment. You have every right to want to have fun on your birthday. No one forced her husband to ask her. And frankly, if she really didn’t want to, then she probably wouldn’t. So, he has asked you in response to his own will. Remember it.

And also remember that this is a day you deserve (and should) enjoy. Tell yourself that you will be fully present during this dinner and enjoy every second of it. You will focus on the conversation and the environment at hand without allowing yourself to dim your enjoyment of the present by drifting into the future.

We don’t know what the future holds. Today is all we have. We should not interrupt our enjoyment by worrying about distant things. I know this is easier said than done. I know you may have to remind yourself of this over dinner and that’s okay.

But frankly, if you’re just having fun, you increase the chances of future meetings and outings. Asking you is a good sign no matter how you look at it. But if you overanalyze it so much that you become paralyzed and put the brakes on things, not only won’t you enjoy it as much as you should, it may make it less likely that there’s more to come.

Promise to have a good time and enjoy yourself, but let things unfold as they please. She takes it one moment at a time and enjoys every second.