It doesn’t always happen. But it happens to a great enough degree that it can be called commonplace. Many young people who sexually abuse others have been sexually abused themselves. And a significant percentage of adults who have been sexually abused as children have developed coping and/or relational styles that are abusive, if not toward others, then certainly toward themselves. It doesn’t sound shocking to say that someone who was abused as a child can become self-destructive as an adult. But how far is that from abusing others? The point here is that children who were abused are taught to abuse as a way to communicate and connect. And many times their main role models, their parents or other relatives, are the ones who taught them this.

Why would someone repeat a behavior that has hurt them so deeply? Almost no one consciously sets out to become abusive. Behavior is passed down from generation to generation because it is learned behavior. The behavior feels familiar and feels like home. It’s instinctive; Furthermore, the abuser may not know of any other way to behave. Adults who have been abused as children by loved ones confuse love and abuse. It is both a natural way (for them) to communicate and a release from anxiety, the anxiety surrounding the original abuse. It’s a way to turn the tables and finally have a sense of power or control in your intimate relationships. Often times, they are able to cover up their behavior from the outside world and only exhibit abusive tendencies towards those closest to them. Is that the way it was with their original abuser or is it a way of carrying on the secret they have lived with their entire lives.

Abused children grow up with low self-esteem. Many feel inadequate. They wonder if they deserved to be abused. Often, their abuser convinced them that they deserved the abuse at the same time that he told them that he loved them. Deep down, survivors of abuse don’t believe they deserve a healthy, loving relationship, if they even know what that’s like.

At the same time, they carry a lot of anger about what happened to them. The world is not a fair place. Their defense systems, while initially traumatized, have now become hyper-reactive. They are in a constant state of “fight or flight.” Their automatic defense systems drive them to attack before being attacked. By becoming the abuser, you can now play a powerful role in this relationship. And maybe they even believe that by doing so they can get it right this time and thus heal themselves.

Finally, if love is tied to the abuse by early experience, then the abuse survivor may even feel more alive when abusing themselves or others. They may become sexually aroused by abusive behavior, especially if their young bodies responded sexually to their abusers. Physically abusive behavior and sexually abusive behavior are intertwined.

Childhood emotional abuse also carries over into abusive behavior in adults. As is often the case with this type of abuse, it is more complex, harder to identify, and more varied in the resulting behavior. And there are fewer studies and statistics. But there are some common signs of an emotional abuser:

1. Verbally abusive and demanding behavior

2. Constantly criticize and demand

3. Withholding and emotionally undermining

4. Using negative labels and pathologizing other people’s behavior.

5. Showing little or no compassion and minimizing the feelings of others while describing themselves as victims.

6. Dismissing the reality of the other or “Gaslighting”: making others feel like they are crazy.

Victims of childhood emotional abuse become adult abusers for the same reasons that those who have been sexually or physically abused become adult abusers. But they have even lower self-esteem (see my article on Emotional Abuse) and may try to cover it up by verbally attacking others before they themselves are exposed as “worthless individuals.”

So how do we help someone break the cycle of abuse?

Abusers first have to realize what they are doing. And then they have to want to change. As anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows, this is an extremely difficult task. Abusers are well defended in their behavior. They honestly believe that they are the victims, not the villains, and at one point, when they were children, they were, so they are partly right. His sense of reality has been skewed his entire life, and to change would involve psychologically reorganizing a lifelong socialization pattern. Never involve abusers, this is what they want and need. All one can do is calmly point out the hurtful behavior they are experiencing and quietly walk away. If the truth is recognizable enough, the abuser may try to understand their role in what went wrong.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT

2011