I have been really pushing my comfort level with two jobs and going back to school to learn French. So my main focus has been trying to keep all the random pieces together. I have tried to maintain a careful balance between the mental and emotional aspects of my life. I share these thoughts with you in hopes of creating a bridge of understanding that will help you when the going gets tough and push your abilities further than you ever thought possible. This is what I experience as the growth process.

I believe and understand that when an object reaches a critical mass it has three options. (Maybe more… but let’s focus on these three)

1) Vanish and do not respond. (Is not sufficient)

2) Stabilize and maintain the current state. (Perfection)

3) Implode. (Too)

Things have been a bit overwhelming as I try to find and maintain a balance. I have learned that I can work very well under stress, but I also have to admit that I do not deal well with the outside world while stressed. I have been trying to balance everything, all the time, everywhere… the normal person realizes that this is impossible… I still think it can be done.

So the reality that I have generated is to work from 10 am to 6:30 am and then study until 2 am every night. Get some sleep and then try to do things like laundry, cleaning, eating in the time that’s left. I am sorry to say that the equation I have created is a mathematician’s nightmare. Therefore, Critical Mass + moments of less than optimal balance = a very special level of well-crafted insanity.

For example and some test. I woke up this morning to the sound of the alarm and I was very calm and quiet in my mind. The sun came out and it looked like a great day. But something seemed to be wrong. It wasn’t that I felt good or bad, it was more the fact that I didn’t feel anything. My mind and body had emotionally shut down.

I didn’t care that there was a random woman under my window yelling at her husband in the alley, or that I had a big French test tomorrow night. I also had to leave for work in an hour because there was a ton of paperwork waiting for me there…increasing my stress level even more. Nothing mattered… I reached critical mass. I was left with only two options, stabilize emotionally or implode… my smarter self took control and made the decision for me.

What should an individual do at this time? Have you ever tried so hard that you just lost your way? I must admit this scared me at first… Because I was afraid I had pushed so far that there was no way forward or back. I had reached Critical Mass and in a way created my own personal black hole. I was replaced by this great emptiness. What I always knew to be true was up for debate and I was not invited to the meeting.

So, it’s not that I’ve given up. I will still push myself beyond my comfort levels. But this made me stop today and think. What is enough, at what point will I be happy with what I am capable of achieving?

In a day,

one week,

one month,

one year.

Is there a point where I’ll say this is enough…

I dont know…

Do you already know what your limitations are?