Couples come into therapy with me often with the question, “Should we live together or get married?” As a psychologist and couples therapist, I have been trained to explore questions first, before providing an answer. And the truth is that for this question I HAVE NO answer, although I do have access to a large amount of data and I do have an answer.

My answer does not focus on morality, value judgments, or religious beliefs. It focuses on the theme of commitment. So the really critical question I would ask couples is, what is your commitment in this relationship? The commitment to “live together” is very different from the commitment of marriage.

Generally speaking, the commitment to “live together” does not have much to do with commitment. It’s about “let’s see if we can get along before we make a commitment.” Some refer to it as a “trial marriage.” It really is a very different commitment than marriage for most people. There are of course exceptions to this, but I’m talking “in general”.

Marriage is about making the commitment to build a life with this person, whether you like them every day or not, whether they are in a good mood every day or not, whether they meet your needs every day or not. not.

It’s about seeing the “big picture,” about remembering why you’re together for the long haul, even when the commute is bumpy. It’s about what you choose to give to the relationship, much more than what you expect to receive. It’s about solving the problems that come up, because you remember that you made a commitment.

And honestly, nothing can prepare you for the commitment of marriage, for the long-term commitment, for “forever,” whatever forever means in this world. Statistically, the concept of a “trial marriage” has been shown to be a poor indicator of marriage success.

Most cohabitants separate or marry within two years. The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. Those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to get divorced as those who do not live together.

Why is this? There are many theories about it. Personally, I feel like there are a few pieces. First of all, most of us are not perfect, we have some flaws, we have fears, we have parts of ourselves that we hide from the world, parts that we are not proud of, that cause us some shame. We have varying degrees of doubt about our self-worth, our desirability, our “ability to love.” This can be conscious or unconscious.

And often these deeper issues don’t surface in a cohabitation situation, or if they do, not as forcefully as when the marriage commitment is made. Only then will our psyche feel safe enough to lower our guard, lower our defenses and let our “dark side” come out fully. And often only then is our partner ready to face and accept this side of us, without turning and running in the other direction. This is where a strong commitment is needed.

The second piece, I think, is the fact that we as humans are truly creatures of habit. And when we live with someone, we develop certain habits of relating and certain mentalities. Certain habits of communicating, certain habits of being. Often, we develop habits of “me” and “you” and “mine” and “yours.” And we develop “my way” habits. And we develop mentalities of “I’m right and you’re wrong” and “it’s your fault.” And those are really hard to change, once we’re married and committed “forever.”

Conversely (and ideally), when we commit to marriage without the habits of living together, we develop habits of “us”, of “society”, of “together forever” and could work a little harder to maintain these clothes. We could look more at ourselves and what we are doing to make our situation better or worse and take more responsibility for it. Every day is dedicated to building this base, so that when difficult times come, as they will, we are prepared to face them from strength, from association.

The final piece, which may speak more to the statistics, is that perhaps a percentage of people who choose to live together do so because they are not ready or able to make a stronger commitment like marriage.

So, like all couples, the ball is in your court. It is not good or bad to decide to live together or to decide to get married. Although it is an important decision. If it becomes too difficult to come up with an option that is consistent with what you want, you may want to consider seeking the support of a counselor or therapist.

I wish you the best,

Dr Adam Sheck