I often hear from wives whose husbands complain about a change in the marriage. Often the husband is very clear on the fact that he is not happy, but he is not as specific as to what has happened to make him so unhappy. In fact, many husbands will tell you that they have no idea what exactly is wrong. Sometimes he will tell you that all he knows for sure is that he is not happy with the way things are.

I heard it from a wife who said, “My husband told me last night that he’s not happy with our marriage. He didn’t go so far as to say he wanted a separation or a divorce, but I have a feeling this is what’s next. I asked him what happened to us. Because honestly, when I look back on our marriage, I remember the good times. But apparently he didn’t. Because his response to me was, ‘I’m not sure what happened to our marriage, but I’m sure I’m not happy with it anymore.’ .’ Well, I don’t know what happened either. But I know I’m doing the best I can. I know I work full time and then I come home and do extra work taking care of my family. I know I try to be attentive to him, but I have my own needs. I also know that once you reach a certain age, you can no longer expect your life to be a fun-filled experience every day. What do men mean when they tell you they don’t know why they’re not happy? And what are you supposed to do? with this information?”

Men can mean a couple of different things in this scenario. Sometimes I have them comment on my blog and I feel like I have a good handle on their possible mindset. I will share some of the reasons they offer in the following article.

Often when men say they don’t know what happened, they are reacting to a slow decline in their marriage: Typically, when people say they aren’t sure what went wrong or can’t identify anything that deteriorated their marriage, they often react to what isn’t there rather than what is there. In other words, they are missing something that has slowly become apparent to them over time.

Many men will eventually describe this as a lack of intimacy or passion. In other words, the emotion seems to be lacking. They’ll tell you they can’t remember the last time her wife gave them her undivided attention OR they can’t remember the last time she met him at the door and fell into her arms.

Of course, what many of these husbands fail to mention is the last time they remembered to bring their wife flowers or the last time they just heard from her. It goes both ways, of course. But it’s human nature to put your most direct focus on your own needs, even when you love his spouse.

And often a man will not complain about this at first. He often realizes intellectually that you are being pulled in many different directions. He wants you to take good care of your children and may feel like he is complaining or whining if he directly asks for more of his time. He then pushes this down until he wakes up one day and wonders what will happen to their marriage and the closeness they once shared. Unfortunately, he can’t always put his finger on this and, even if he could, he’ll sometimes hesitate to sound so petty.

What can or should you do if your husband suddenly expresses his unhappiness about your marriage, but you cannot be specific about the cause: The first thing to remember is not to panic. As is often the case, this husband had not mentioned a divorce, but he had shared his struggles with his wife because he was unhappy enough to be honest and want a solution. Be grateful that he gives you the opportunity to work things out without first wanting to make a change. Because it is not uncommon for wives to find out about their husbands’ unhappiness when they are asked to separate or divorce.

Next, try to take a very objective look at your marriage. Now, sometimes husbands feel stress in other areas of their lives and project it onto their marriage. But even so, every marriage may need some improvement and some extra attention. As much as possible, try to see your marriage through your husband’s eyes. You probably know him pretty well, and you probably know what’s most important to him. It probably won’t be too difficult to determine what he would like most about your relationship. It often comes down to attention, appreciation, and affection. Even if you think he’s being mean or needy, do your best to address his concerns. Because when he is happier, your marriage will improve and you will be happier too.

Sometimes I have wives who understand what I’m saying but don’t think this whole situation is fair. I often hear comments like “well, what about me? He doesn’t pay enough attention to me either, but apparently I’m supposed to satisfy his needs because he’s whining.” Try not to see it this way. Because if he feels like his needs are being met, he’ll do a better job of meeting yours, so neither of you feels like he’s giving it all away or making every compromise.

So, to answer some of the questions posed, a husband who announces that he’s unhappy usually tells you that things aren’t as exciting or fulfilling anymore and he wants more of your attention and appreciation. Often, if she makes a very conscious effort to show you more of these things, both of you will experience an increase in your level of happiness, and your marriage should improve as well. Wives often doubt that it is that simple or easy. It’s not easy, but human nature is usually not that complicated. Husbands and wives generally want the same things, plus they don’t always express or receive it in the same way.