Ah… the magic of the holidays. We’ve all grown up with the comfort and mystery of our Christmas traditions: oranges in our stockings, presents under the tree, the lighting of the menorah, and more. Our holiday memories are filled with Mom’s home cooking, Dad’s stories, and the love and laughter of friends and family. As adults, we try to recreate those memories for our children, to impart to them the same sense of mystery and wonder of our youth. But how do we do that in an increasingly material world?

Shopping for our children nowadays can be quite an uncomfortable and expensive experience. Pick up any Saturday newspaper in the months of November and December and you’ll find it packed with dozens of brochures promising the best deal on all the must-haves: an iPod, a RoboRaptor, or V-Smile educational toys. Chances are your child’s wish list includes one or two high-end gadgets and toys. With a list of 30 items, it’s no wonder you feel stuck, caught between buying expensive gifts and the feelings and concerns you have about the messages you may be sending to your children by buying them.

You may be wondering how to handle conflict: “I want my child to have what he wants, and at the same time, I want my child to have limits to his expectations.”

We’ll see:

Sean is 9 years old and lives with his mom and dad and his 2-year-old sister. His family went to see Santa last weekend and, as expected, Sean brought his list for Santa. On his list, to his parents’ surprise, was an iPod and a laptop! Both parents were bewildered and confused by their son’s high expectations.

On the way to Santa’s Village, they got into an argument about why he thought he wanted these items. Unsurprisingly, Sean said, “All my friends have them and they’re really cool!!!” His parents looked at each other and were very clear that not only could they not afford these two items, but they were also not sure why a nine-year-old would need such things.

Mom and Dad also knew that several of Sean’s classmates have or will receive these types of items as Christmas gifts.

Later that night, after the kids were in bed, Mom and Dad discussed their concerns and how to proceed: Shall we buy him those items? Do we tell him no and make him feel excluded from his social network? Do we buy one and not the other?

All very good questions, but what is the correct answer? There is no truly correct answer. The answer lies within your parent’s belief system and the messages you want your children to receive at times like these.

The bottom line: If you feel that these kinds of gifts set unrealistic expectations and don’t really encompass the lessons of the holiday season, or the financial goals you have for your family won’t allow for these kinds of purchases, then stick with your beliefs. Don’t give in to party tricks. Because the messages, both verbal and non-verbal, are loud and clear to your children through their gift choices.
Many parents aren’t sure how to talk to their child about the reality of these situations and why they don’t buy what the child has ordered. Parents need to be honest and open about their motivations and decisions.

This holiday season; keep the following tips in mind:

Self-awareness: Be clear about your motivations for buying.

Know: Messages that come from your gift-giving.

Communicate: With your child the reasons and messages discovered above, and allow them to share their feelings.

Resolve: For the children their confusion and disappointment that may arise from your decisions.

Redirect: your child as to the origins of the season and allow him to find ways to give back and realign his expectations.