“You’re a worthless human being,” he yelled over the intercom, “and no one’s going to love you until you learn to act like an adult!” I watched her walk to her car and furiously fumble for her keys. It was an unusually warm fall day, but she was wearing the jacket she’d bought for him earlier that year, probably because she knew she’d never pick it up otherwise.

I can’t even remember what that final argument was about. Most likely it had something to do with my inability, no, refusal, to find a job. Most of our arguments revolved around that topic. When Jennifer and I broke up, I had been unemployed for over a year and he never liked the idea of ​​paying for dinner, among other things.

In fact, my general disapproval of anything that involved effort put quite a few people off. My parents no longer came to visit. My mother claimed that dirty dishes and piles of laundry all over my house gave her “heart palpitations.” The last time they stopped by, my father paid me $30 in advance to take out the trash, so the house wouldn’t smell “like a Calcutta dump.”

However, the mess was just the tip of the iceberg. All those lazy months were a beacon for the local insect population. My ex had stopped walking around the apartment barefoot months before they broke up. I think she even showered in flip flops. She had no idea that pest control was something people used on a daily basis. I didn’t make the connection that a three week old sandwich on my nightstand might attract a roach or two.

I lay there that autumn afternoon, surrounded by filth, and took stock of my life. How had it come to this? I once had a job and a fairly developed sense of hygiene. What happened? It came down to self-esteem. I had lost mine when I got that pink receipt, and I decided right then and there that I was going to get it back. And I was going to start with the bugs.

Moving quickly around the apartment, energized by my own determination, I picked up every loose socks and T-shirt I could find. Within five minutes, he had two garbage bags full of dirty clothes. One bag would end up on the curb and the other would be sprayed with detergent and washed in hot water. I read somewhere that house spiders used piles of untended clothing to hide from humans.

My second task was the dishes. If it was pest control I wanted, I would have to eliminate any protein bits or carb-based crumbs in my tiny dwelling. There were banana peels, fortune cookies, forgotten takeout bags. Whatever, you might find some rotten incarnation in my apartment. Before long, he had another garbage bag full of waste.

My next task was the dishes, they were stacked in the sink; a gleaming tower of laziness erected in honor of my inability to do anything worthwhile. I attacked them like a badger at a copperhead, with dish soap in one hand and a scrub brush in the other. There was nothing stopping me. I was totally determined to make my rooms as inhospitable as possible to cockroaches, gnats, flies, and anything else with more than two legs. When the day was done, I plopped down on my couch and allowed myself a few smug looks before hopping into the shower and washing myself of all the wonder my life had become.

As I’ve learned more about life and what keeps me going, I’ve discovered some guidelines to follow to keep bugs out of my life. I recommend trying them. See where they take you.

• Keep those cabinets clean. By removing crumbs and keeping all grain products in tightly closed containers or in the refrigerator, you are deterring insects.
• Sweep and vacuum regularly. By staying on top of what lands on your floor, you’ll drastically reduce those scavengers that prowl the kitchen at night looking for leftovers.
• If you don’t have a cat, you might want to think about getting one. My cat will reduce a roach to a single flailing paw in a matter of seconds.
• Clean all surfaces, especially in the kitchen and bathrooms, at least twice a year. Insects carry all kinds of bacteria on their little feet.
• Fix all leaks inside and outside your home. Insects need water too, and a leaky pipe can also be a source of water for a thirsty spider or roach.
• Seal the cracks. Insects enter houses through those little cracks that your eyes pop out every day. Just take some putty and seal any you find. You may also want to paper fill those gaps between appliances. They tend to be popular hideouts for a number of creepy crawlies.

Well, that’s how it started for me. Within three weeks, I had a new job and had even been on a few dates. The world was becoming a better place and it all started with one simple task: pest control. That and, of course, prolonged unemployment, a dirty house, and the end of a cherished relationship. Anyway, things got better and my parents come over for dinner every two weeks. No heart palpitations, no Kolkata dumpsters.