Every relationship has its emotional ups and downs. These are caused by any number of emotional problems. Some of the emotions that are evident in any relationship are: guilt, anger, resentment, jealousy, happiness, joy, fear, guilt, emotional games, sadness, grief, pain, disappointment, unrealized expectations, joy and many others.

When I speak of emotional immaturity, I am referring to inappropriate emotions given a certain activity, situation or circumstance. For example, carrying resentment for several years after the cause of the resentment is not healthy physically or for the relationship. Blaming your partner for an action when they are doing the best they can at the time with what they have is inviting a breakdown in communication and intimacy. Being insensitive to your partner’s negative emotional state about a situation in their career or life is sending a message that you are emotionally distant from their needs, desires, dreams, hopes, fears, or feelings.

There is a dramatic difference between detachment and disconnection. Detachment is when I am not responsible for you.

I am not responsible for your feelings.

I am not responsible for your results.

I am not responsible for your attitudes.

I am not responsible for the consequences of your actions.

I am not responsible for the consequences of your decisions.

I am not responsible for your behavior.

I am not responsible for your stress.

When I separate myself from your stuff, and it is your stuff, I let you grow and learn what life wants you to learn from your errors in judgment, mistakes, and actions at any given moment. I am there to support you, to help you where you feel I can help you, but you must do the work.

Disconnection is where, not only do I detach, but I don’t even care what’s happening to you or why or when or how. I’ve completely cut you off emotionally. I just don’t give a damn.

Detachment helps others grow, learn, and develop if you just let them. Disconnection puts distance, often irreparable, between you and your partner.

Emotional maturity is bringing the right amount of emotional support, connection, or perspective to any situation. It is seeing clearly that these THINGS are in your life to help you grow. Each of us can contribute to the growth of our partner or we can sabotage it. We sabotage it when we play emotional games and get caught up in negative emotional manipulation. We help them when we help them see clearly how their emotional state has contributed to their situation or how it keeps them stuck in the past or in negative problems.

Detachment can often be perceived by others as a lack of commitment when they have a lot of emotional work to do with themselves. When you break up, they will often go back to blaming you for their conditions, circumstances, or outcomes. It is in these moments when we must be strong not only for ourselves but also for others.

We all have to learn the lessons of life sooner or later. We can learn them the easy way or the hard way, but life doesn’t care. The lessons keep coming and coming. You can whine, complain, feel like a victim, or you can move on. It’s your choice.