Do you have people in your life who take the life of you or your spouse? While some people make you feel better after contact with them, others leave you feeling drained and exhausted.

How do you know if you have encountered an energy vampire? According to Judith Orloff, MD, author of positive energy“The fact is, even after a brief contact, you leave feeling worse, but he or she seems more alive.”

This is a different experience than simply having “bad chemistry” with another person and not enjoying the interaction. When an energy vampire is present, you will feel depleted of energy and vitality afterwards.

The ideas that Dr. Orloff presents about energy vampires intrigue me, and I believe they have important implications for relationships. As anyone who strives for a quality marriage knows, good relationships take a lot of time, effort, and energy.

In a busy lifestyle, there is very little energy that can be wasted without falling short in some area of ​​your life. For example, if you are more tired than usual, you may have a hard time summoning up the energy to exercise or prepare a healthy dinner.

Eventually, not taking care of yourself in a loving way will show up in your marriage. Perhaps you will be more stressed and less patient as a result. Similarly, if you’re exhausted by an encounter with an “energy vampire” friend who drains your energy, you won’t have as much energy and enthusiasm to enjoy quality time with your partner.

Marriages are affected by external factors, such as the needs and requests of family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances. There is no time or energy to try to meet everyone’s expectations or desires.

Daily life offers the challenge of setting priorities and boundaries so that you can focus on what is most important to you. And for many people, their marriage and relationship with their spouse and children is the most important thing.

Anyone who drains your or your spouse’s vitality and makes you feel worse after talking to or being with them is someone who has the potential to negatively affect the energy available in your marriage. It is not by chance and insignificant that a spouse has an “energy vampire” friend who is a big part of her life. If the energy is constantly drained from you or your spouse, your relationship will suffer.

Dr. Orloff describes nine types of energy vampires. I want to focus on five of them. See if he recognizes someone he knows in the following descriptions.

Energy Vampire #1 is the Sob Sister. This person is a whiner, a perpetual victim, who loves a captive audience and can talk for hours about their problems.

If you offer him a solution, he gives you a “Yes, but” answer that gives an excuse as to why your solution won’t work for him. Dr. Orloff says, “You may find yourself listening for hours, hearing the same complaints over and over again. She ends up refreshed. You’re exhausted.”

Energy Vampire #2 is the culprit. This person makes you feel guilty, scolds you, and throws negativity into your energy field. He’s angrier than the Sobbing Sister, and he uses accusation to drain you. Says Dr. Orloff, “You leave feeling stabbed, that you haven’t lived up to expectations, that you’re flawed in some way.”

One of the statements a Blamer might make is “If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t be in this mess” or “It’s your fault I’m high.” It takes agility and planning to deflect a culprit’s tactics.

Energy Vampire #3 is the Queen of Drama. This person has a real gift for exaggeration, for moving from crisis to crisis, and for energizing from chaos. One of his trademark opening statements is a variation of “Oh my God, you’ll never guess what happened!”

Says Dr. Orloff, “The roller coaster antics of a drama queen overwhelm and kill you.” The intensity of her “in your face” can make you feel exhausted in the blink of an eye.

Energy Vampire #4 is the constant talker or joke teller. This person always demands center stage and has absolutely no interest in how you feel. At first, he (or she) may seem entertaining, but it soon begins to fade after the non-stop stories, jokes and comments and the relentless focus on yourself.

According to Dr. Orloff, these energy vampires “crush our energy field like a restless Chihuahua and Chihuahua in desperate need of a walk.” It’s impossible to slip a word in, and they love to trap you into a conversation that’s hard to break away from.

Energy Vampire #5 is the Fixer-Upper. There are two kinds. Dr. Orloff writes that the first type of fixer-upper “makes you her therapist. She calls desperately all the time for you to fix her problems, unlike the Sob Sister who just complains.” She sucks you in because you care, you want to lessen her pain and be a good friend.

The second type of top fixer is, according to Dr. Orloff, “someone you perceive as needing a fix and take it on as a project.” What you don’t realize is that he’s not really interested in changing. He may even put his life on hold to help him “realize his potential”, but despite all his efforts, it never happens.

So what can you do if your marriage is being damaged by an energy vampire? Dr. Orloff’s book has a number of invaluable recommendations on how to combat energy vampires and preserve your individual vitality.

The following are my recommendations for protecting your marriage relationship:

1. Do an energetic assessment of who gives you energy and who drains you in your life. Who makes you feel better after a conversation and who leaves you worse? Who makes unreasonable demands on your time and reduces the time and energy you have to devote to your spouse and children?

2. Develop strategies to decrease your contact with the energy vampires in your life. If you can’t end all contact, brainstorm creative ways to minimize your exposure to these people and set limits on how much time you spend. For example, if your longtime friend is a Sob Sister, decide how long she will listen before ending the conversation.

3. Start a conversation with your spouse about how you have been evaluating where you are currently spending your time and energy because you value your marriage and want a quality relationship. Say that you know that this means that you have to be careful not to waste valuable time or energy in ways that are not satisfying or beneficial. Your participation in what you are doing may encourage her (or him) to do the same.

4. If you’re worried because you see your spouse’s time and energy running out due to energy vampires in his life, and he doesn’t seem to notice or isn’t willing to address the problem, you might suggest that he do a few sessions. with a marriage counselor.

Let’s say you’re finding some feelings building up that you want to discuss with your spouse in a counseling session so they don’t cause problems in the future. Call it “relationship cleansing” and keep the emphasis on yourself as the one who needs help managing a few things. That will make it more likely that your spouse will be willing to attend counseling with you.

5. If you find that you are having a hard time managing the energy vampires in your life, consider doing some one-on-one counseling sessions to examine why you are reluctant to set limits, say “no,” or give up your perennial “nice” role. boy.“

You may need to consider issues such as why you try so hard to fix someone else and ignore your own needs, or why you listen to a crybaby for hours on the phone when you really want to relax and enjoy the evening. .

Ultimately, it’s up to you to set your priorities and then take the appropriate steps to stay focused on your life goals and values. And that means protecting yourself from energy vampires so your marriage can have the energy it needs to thrive.