The first phase of the grievance is done by itself. The initial shock of the experience takes a while to sink in. It almost came in waves for me. While shopping one day, I had a breakdown. I suddenly realized that I was buying one. My little basket looked so empty.

I lost all desire to eat. Hunger hurts physically, but not when you feel like the emotional foundation has dissolved from under you. Number and wake up at the same time. I have never felt so connected to Our Creator. The energy of Christ filled me and made me tremble in every extremity the moment Mom’s spirit pierced the veil. It opened up like when a baby is born and covers the room with a peaceful aura.

I also felt a sort of rush through my entire body that eventually exploded from the top of my head. I leaned back and soon became aware of the glowing energy, so I quickly got out of bed. On my knees, I raised my palms up and absorbed as much as I could.

Slowly and out loud, I recited the Our Father as if my ears had never heard it before. Each word resonated intensely with a new meaning. I said: “Ours”, and I understood that it was so important to understand that we are a predestined family. At 7 billion, we light up the world with our combined spiritual energy.

No one chooses to be wronged. Sometimes events happen side by side. I lost my home in a fire and then faced the heartbreaking losses of 4 family members, one after the other. The death of my younger sister at the age of 44 was a shock; the death of her husband a year later at 44 was also an even greater shock. A routine heart procedure led to her unexpected death.

The passing of my grandmother Rose was not a surprise at age 95, but the timing was ridiculous. I didn’t even travel to Medina, Ohio for her service, as she was homeless due to a fire and was fully opening the Pandora’s Box called alcoholism.

Before Mom died, she said, “You mourned Susan too long. Skip me.” (As if she had any other choice). It’s been just over 90 days today since she died in my arms and I can remember every moment as if it just happened.

Some of the more abrasive images have faded. I don’t need to see another coroner recover another body in my lifetime. It’s business as usual for them, but when it comes to your mom, it’s ice water in the face.

A policewoman stopped to my right, and when I watched the coroner carry Mom’s body over her head to a gurney waiting in the kitchen, my knees buckled. I leaned against the wall, but I was too far from her. The young, blond-haired officer who appeared after the hospice staff showed up caught my fall. He would have hit the ground since he was about two feet from the wall.

A few days after Mom’s Air Force memorial service, that same officer felt bad about serving me with an eviction notice. Two family members canceled everything Mom built over the years in a few weeks. His animals were separated and scattered. She was so glad her mom didn’t have to see some of her beloved rescue dogs caged in kennels. They came from there.

The wisest thing I did in dealing with an intense grievance that stopped my life was to reach out. I went to mom’s old nursing home every day for almost 6 weeks. Sometimes twice a day. While my energetic partner Willie charmed the nurses and residents to no end, I listened to the advice of people who had lived close to a century.

One lady shared: ‘It’s not what you had; is what you have left. And I have 55 years of memories to reflect on and an incredible spiritual experience just for showing up. He was wounded beyond the years, behind the time; I was struck with increased faith direct from OUR Father.